Cooter's Electshun Indoorsmints fer SC

Welp, here I is again. I been too plum sick of all deese camp-pains, news, an' otha madness in dis here land dat I jest 'bout threw my t.v. out in da dern 'mader patch and de radio to boot!

OK, I knows all of migh fans is a' wonderin' whose Cooter's picks fer the pressdent, SINate, & howse... So, 'cause I'm a friend of de peoples an' 'cause dey value ol' Cooter's 'pinion, here goes Cooter's Electshun Indoorsmints fer SC:

Pressdent:
If'n you feel ye must vote fer dis here orrifice (I ain't votin' fer pressdent), I says anyone but McBama. If'n I was t' vote fer Pressdent, I'd probly chuse Chuck Baldwin. Howeber, any third partie peoples will do-- itsa protess vote...

SINate:
I'm a votin' fer Flat Top Bob Conley. Heeze a pro-constitushun, anteestablishmint feller. My nefew met him a few months-a-go an' says he's a strait-shooter. Funnie hair, but a nice feller. Anotha four years of Miss Lindsey Gram an' wheal all be broke and a speakin' spandish. Heeze a traidor an' scalawag-- da werst kinda politickshun!

Howse:
Fer de howse, dere is miny districks, so I'm a gonna make hit easy fer ya: If'n dey alreay a servin', vote 'em out! All incumberbunments gots to go. Dey all sold us down de dern riber wit da bail-out an' immegrashun "reformation." Forgit 'bout partie, vote 'gainst dose folks whos alredy cut hour throats. Send 'em home.

Fer yer state an' local orrifices, look at dem car-fully. Dey's da mostest import-ant. Dey watch over yer back yard an' we need folks who will say NO to da thugs an' thiefes in Warshington. Mostlie, vote 'gainst th' incumberbunments, butr only if dey is shown dey is sold out.

Don forgit 'bout yer mayers and councilormens fer yer citys an' towns. Don't forgit 'bout countie an' yer edumakashun boards and all dem local things-- problie wouln'e hurt to shake dat up aswell-- bye to mostofda incumberbunments.

Welp, I guess dat about does it fer now. Im 'a gonna trie to check in wit y'all more off-tin.

'Member, vote earlie an' vote often an' put yer local and state folks first in yer brains- Warshington caint be saived. Grab ye guns cause thins is 'bout to git reel ugly...

Sincerlie,

Cooter B

Nutin' to sey

I'm so sik uv dese convenshus-- 'publicans an' sinner! I hain't got nuttin to sey! Plum sik, I am!

Happy Secession Day, Y'all!

Y'all know, of corse, 232 years ago t’day, the Colonies hear in Amerika, 13 of ‘em anyways, seceded frum dat British Empire-- a mighty fine day in tha histo'y of our peoples and of liberty an' se'f determinashun in a general sorta way.

We whooped the tar out of ‘em hear in ol' Carolina! [Ahhh! Jest think’a Genral Moultrie sending Admiral Parter back our t’sea in that big ol’ ship with all the fancy cannons and such frum a small palmetter tree fort on Sullivan’s Island! Da Swamp Fox, ambushin' dem red coats! Yes, sir! Whin giants walked in da Earth!]

Anyways, on de forth, I kinda like t'read the Declareeshun of Independence (Shoulda been called Tha Declareeshun of Secessun, I think-- more appropos, as they say). I read hit this mornin'. Mighty fine reedin’! Here's the part I like tha best:

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government...

[Such turn of phrase, Mista Jefferson! Mighty fine readin'!]

It’s a dawg-gone shame, I tell ya, dat we no longer believe dat govment derives its jest powers frum tha consent of tha govahned!

Dat "revolushunary" idea stopped in 1865 when tha South was fo'ced t'submit t'an autho'ity frum which they had took-back their consent. [Now, fer my yankee reeders, dat’s a damn fact and I’m a not apoligise fer it! Dat’s when hit all started; dat's when we all lost! Period. ]

Anyways, dis here set a precedent dat has corntinued t'destroy our da-gum liberties on account o' its innovashun an' implementashun by wicked usurpers an' tyrants who hav a trampled tha Consteetooshun of our fo'barers unner foot to make us, tha peoples, subjecks to tha big ol' gov'ment rite hear in our own damn country! Wuz it not tha intent of our fo'barers t'have hit tha other way aroun'? Sho'nuff twas!

An now we know dat tha govment derives its (unjust) powers frum tha point of a bayonet, tha barrel of a gun, o' tha receivin' ind of tha bomb!

It also derives its (unjust) powers by tha intimidashun of tha citizens by tha tax colleckter an' other govment agenceys and regulaters who terro'ize an' intimithae tha peoples into submisshun.

Damn shame, I’d say. To hav fallen so dern far, dis peoples, a daaaamn shame!

Now, we believe, o' hav been lead t'believe, dat MITE MAKES RITE.

Now dis here was not tha foun'ashun on which our country was established!

I can a see no reason t'celebrate tha principles dat lead tha Colonies t'secede frum tha British Empire on account o' we, no longer hold them truths to be se'f-evident o' unalienable, fo’ that matter. Just traded one empire fer another, seems ta me… One King George fer another. All de while talking ‘bout our freedoms! Make me wanna cuss!

Although glo'ious in 1776, "Independence Day" in 2008 is a troublin' day fer myself-- a day filled wif joy, so'row, an' anger-- especially fo' them of us who still believe in them unalienable rights-- them rights which tha Laws of Nature an' of Nature's God intitle us-- them rights claimed by our fo'barers an' paid fo' wif tha blood of patriots...

Y’all think on dat whist yer popin’ fire-crackers and eatin’ pulled pork!

Cooter Brown
Jefferson Station, South Carolina

I ain't votin' fer President!

I’ve have had it!

Now thet de whole dern presidential primary shuck-n-jive is a windin’ down, wee’s left wit three low-down dirty dawgs: Clinton, Obama, and McCain.

Lawrd hav mercy!

Thar is no difference between them and to believe that a'votin' for one of 'em over the otha consteetoots a'votin' fo tha “lesser of two evils,” is jest plain crazy talk! They's de same, as any fool kin plainly see!

I hear folks said that if'n you don’t vote, you cain’t complain. Jiminy damn Cricket! Such a damn silly, illconseeved thing t'say!

If''n you does vote fer one of dem contemptible, low-down presidential nominees yer participatin' in da dadburn lie. You gots no right t'complain if'n you does vote! By votin' yer concedin' thet tha devilish process is legitimate and it ain’t, as any fool kin plainly see.

Only folks who do not vote kin exercise tha legitimate right t'complain. Only they have called into questun tha legitimacy of de whole dadburn thing!

I ain't conscentin’ and I sure as hell ain't votin' fer the next king or queen who's a gonna lord over us an' most of the world fo tha next four long years!

Lawd hav mercy!

We ought t'vote fer local and State offices and be fine citizens of our home States, but we is fools if'n we give any legitimacy to de mighty Washington varmints. Those devils have always and will always corntinue t'destroy de republic as established by our foun'in' Fathers and defended by our Confederate ancestors.

The whole dern thing burns me up!

Cooter Brown

Jefferson Station, SC